We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
