Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
