i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
