Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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