Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
