but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
