Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
