New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
