A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
