I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
