There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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