my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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