I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
