Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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