i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
