Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you traded sex for a burrito?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
