You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
