i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
