I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
