Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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