Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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