Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't put those talents on a resume
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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