Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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