I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
