oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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