My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize