3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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