if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
