watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
