drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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