I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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