can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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