the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
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