My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
