just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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