im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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