we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
