i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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