matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
