An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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