ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
