Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Randomize
