remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
