I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
