he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
