my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
