apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
