I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
