They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
