so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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