You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
