everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
