$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Watching her eat just hurts me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
