do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
