Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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