and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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