He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize