the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
