I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am never drinking with the goths again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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