can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize