just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
