I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
