I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
