Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
