Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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